Freedom

Freedom.

One of the definitions of freedom on google.com is "The state of not being imprisoned or enslaved."

Chills. Anyone who understands addiction or has had it affect their life personally knows how much of a slave you become to the disease. Your whole life is centered around alcohol (or whatever your drug of choice may be). You're constantly preoccupied with consuming alcohol, thinking about alcohol if you are not consuming it, and recovering from the consumption of it...which usually results in continuing to drink, because hey...you might as well just always be drunk and never feel anything right? (eye roll)
So all of this week, ironically enough, "freedom" has been popping up everywhere. Probably because I was thinking of writing this blog post on the topic of freedom and also because its the week of the 4th, right?? 😛
Between living my life in recovery and living my life as a new birth mom...freedom comes up in both of those aspects in my life. Mainly regarding freedom from addiction and freedom from my grief of choosing to make an adoption plan for my daughter. I follow a lot of different inspiring people to me on Instagram and this daily meditation from "Day by Day: Daily Meditations for Recovering Addicts" was shared from July 1st titled "Seeking Freedom":
"If we want freedom from addiction, we must start the process ourselves. Then we must accept any help offered and follow the direction of our Higher Power. Recovery does not come to us without effort. First we seek abstinence; we want to be clean and sober. Later, we look for the joys of living. 
It often takes months and years to grasp the principles that will set us free. But free of what? At first, freedom from alcohol and other drugs; then, freedom from fear and from anything else that binds us. To become free, we can begin seeking our principles and our truth today. 
Am I seeking freedom? 
Higher Power, help me become free from the things that bind me. 
Today I will work toward freedom from..."

The joy of living a life of recovery is that it constantly checks you and strives you to be the best possible version of yourself. And those who do not live a life in recovery can implement these principles into their lives as well. I mean really though, can't there be a 12-step program for pretty much anything? Can't you use the steps and just change the word "Alcohol" or "Addiction" in the first step and put in whatever you so choose? Damn right you can.

I also subscribe to different adoption agencies, recovery & adoption pages that send me emails occasionally. I received an email on July 3rd from Lifetime Healing titled...you guessed it; "Freedom":

"Hello beautiful friend! I hope you are doing well. It is July and we are getting ready to celebrate this great country. I wanted to share a thought with you as you think about freedom in your life and what that means. Grief never goes away. But it is a passage and a way to connect with hearts of others. It provides a very powerful bond. IT IS NOT A PLACE TO STAY but it offers freedom to take ownership, to come together for forward movement and a space to say it is going to be ok!! Take steps to freedom over your grief. Go to group if it is available. Do the work. Show up. You are worth fighting for, your grief freedom is worth fighting for. I am standing with you always." 

As she said, grief does not go away. I will always be grieving the loss of not raising Grace as my own. She is mine. I created her. (With the help of a sperm donor, yes I'm aware it takes two for those who are quick to check that). But it is better to live through life being happy and embracing every aspect of it. Embracing my role as a birth mom wholeheartedly. Going to support groups, taking care of my mental health, crying when I need to, keeping busy...but not too busy, and of course visiting my sweet Grace. (Come on July 8th!!!)

This time last year on the fourth of July, I was at Meadow Creek Treatment Center in Pine City, Minnesota. Treatment is something I can now say I am grateful for because it personally is what I needed at that time in my life and it taught me a lot. The slight feeling though of being trapped and not having freedom while being in a facility that had rules. Having to ask to use my razor, have my medications given to me, and told when I had to eat, and if I didn't like what was given to me for supper then toast it was. And technicians were watching us in the corner of the dining area documenting if we were even eating and how much.

Yes. I was free still, I wasn't sitting in a jail cell. I was sober and not completely incoherent. I could walk around outside and make a phone call to a family member (just 15 minutes max, though 😀) And we got ice cream!!! (The JOY of ice cream to a bunch of sober people is like telling a child you're getting a puppy.) But it was a stepping stone. Sure I could walk out the front door and leave whenever I wanted. (That would have been a long walk to town though...and I'm pretty sure someone did that during my time at Meadow Creek 😂) But I didn't. I stayed and I embraced it. I went to every group there and participated (even though I was soo exhausted and tired...hello first trimester!) I remember the director of Meadow Creek being there on a holiday and telling us her personal struggles and how sobriety changed her life. I remember sitting around a bon fire with smores (more sugar...once again, its a sober thing.) and the technicians that worked there telling each of us how we have grown and positive words that described us. And damn right I remember getting potato salad for lunch that day! Key word here...Remember. Although I was in this facility that wasn't exactly glamorous, sharing a space with 49 other women, I was free. I wasn't hammered and was actually present in life. I was beginning to let my guard down and learn about myself. Learn how to handle confrontations and any sort of stressors in my life...without running to alcohol. Learning how to have fun on a holiday without getting drunk. Learning how to laugh sober, and I mean a true, deep belly laugh. Learn how to wake up and immediately not think about when I should start drinking and checking over my wine inventory seeing if I need to go to the liquor store at all. (There always needed to be a minimum of at least two 1.75 bottles of wine at all times.)

We get sober by moments and those stretch into hours, days and years. Eventually these invisible chains start to break off of your wrists and ankles as you gain more sober time. You are clear headed and your eyes become brighter. You can wake up in the morning and not have a mouth as dry as the desert, walking down the hallway of your apartment looking like the grim reaper to go and chug a Sprite from out of the vending machine (Sprite was my definition of Holy Water every morning after my night of blackouts). Not have my thoughts be constantly consumed with alcohol and the panic if I couldn't get off of work in time to make it to the liquor store before 10pm. Pure PANIC. This is how I look at freedom. I never envisioned the life I have now for myself. Never thought I would be a morning person, drinking coffee more than wine, working out everyday?!?!? and WILLINGLY?!?!? No. The most difficult thing I would do each day to get my heart rate going was when I would walk to my kitchen and uncork a wine bottle.

Freedom is having energy throughout my day, smiling with zero effort and being consumed with pure happiness. (Sure, I can thank some of that to my anti depressants 😛).
Freedom is actually loving myself and having confidence again. Not needing a liquid courage crutch in social situations (I didn't even need it as a natural born social butterfly?!), but that is what addiction does to you. It tricks you. Tells you you're worthless, ugly, unconfident. It tells you you're going nowhere in life and that sitting on a couch and getting blacked out every night is a much better option in life for you. It tells you that your family hates you and that everyone talks crap about you. It tells you to not work out or take care of your skin and to embrace the dehydration and bloating. It tells you to be its slave.

"Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better. "
               -Albert Camus

That is freedom to me. Freedom from addiction. 🙌

I hope everyone had a wonderful, safe, and happy 4th! I am ready for the weekend. Common Grounds Yoga Festival on Saturday, a visit with my darling Grace on Sunday, and Monday morning I start my new job! Thank you freedom, and thank you sobriety! 💙🙏