Growth

The past two weekends in a row have been monumental, life changing, full of growth and magic. It brings tears to my eyes to see the difference of what a year can make. A year of perseverance, determination, spontaneity, inspiration and finding my passions. I am so lucky and I owe it all to myself (yes, we are allowed to give ourselves credit), my support system, and my sobriety.

Last weekend I had the honor of attending my first (and definitely not last) recovery retreat. I can honestly say I am forever changed after a weekend like that. You know that feeling when you leave some place and you feel like you've had tremendous growth? I experienced that over a weekend.
I had felt like I was stuck in a rut with my recovery. Not in a sense that I was thinking of drinking again, but that I truly don't devote as much time as I should be to my recovery. Such as meeting with a sponsor, attending meetings, reading the big book, working the steps, etc. I have spent majority of my focus this year on adoption support groups and my yoga practice, which I am not upset about at all, but balance is hard! There aren't enough hours in the day to accomplish everything I want to do. As a birth mom, I need those specific groups pertinent to adoption and as a recovering alcoholic I have turned to my yoga practice to help me decompress and of course for my mental sanity. I used to use alcohol as a way to ease the tension of the day, but now yoga and barre are my new methods. So it's not to say that I am not doing beneficial things for my recovery as a whole, but it was definitely on the back burner.

I think it's safe to say it was my higher power that made me notice this Facebook event that popped up onto my newsfeed over a month or so ago about a recovery retreat in the northwoods. Deer River, Minnesota to be exact. I made the commitment to go over a month ago and last Friday made the 3 and a half hour trek up north by myself to take the time for my recovery. Boy, was it worth it.

About 15 minutes outside of my arrival, my anxiety started to take over me and I honestly was contemplating just getting a hotel room in Grand Rapids and then turning around and going home the next day. I was in my car thinking "Why the hell did I decide to do this?!". Our minds can do such crazy things to us. I hate that negative self-talk. I am so glad that I've gotten so much stronger, that I just kept driving and didn't decide to turn off at one of the 100+ liquor stores/bars I drove past. I braved through it.

There were roughly 30 people who attended the retreat and it was pure magic. When you get a room full of recovering alcoholics and addicts you experience something unexplainable. This retreat was so much more profound to me compared to inpatient treatment, because unlike treatment every single person truly wanted to be here. We all paid the money to attend this. No one had family members, probation officers, court, CPS workers, etc. hanging over them to attend this. There were people who had 8 days clean and others who had 11+ years clean. People who had been to inpatient, and people who hadn't. Men and women. All ages. All backgrounds. All with one thing for sure in common...we were all alcoholics/addicts and all had hit our own version of rock bottom at some point.

The cool thing about getting a bunch of people together who have experienced the pain of addiction in their life is that everyone is non-judgmental, open, honest, incredibly brave, compassionate, and inspiring. Nothing phases anyone in a group of people like that. No one flinches or makes a disgusted face. No one talks negatively behind someones back. We give each other a hug. Clap. Say "Thank you for sharing that." Because you never know who you could be helping when you share. That's whats wonderful about being around people in recovery. We have seen it all or been there ourselves.

A few hours after we all had arrived we were surrounding a fire spilling our deepest struggles and heartaches to each other. It was like word vomit, but we all felt safe. Safe around each other. In a safe location. Surrounded by total strangers, but willing to listen and be there for each other. It brings tears to my eyes knowing the wonderful people I was surrounded by. I am touched. The world needs more people like those who are in recovery. It's about working a program to be a better human being. Everyone could use a weekend like what we experienced. You can apply the 12 step model to anything in life. This needs to be a thing!!

I left feeling so refreshed but almost sad knowing I had to go back to reality the next day. A reality where you deal with traffic and crappy drivers. Rude people who think the world revolves around them. Unappreciative people who don't realize how much you're just trying to help them. The fear of failure and the constant strive to perfect everything at your new job. Reality. Life. But why does this have to be it? (Sidenote: It doesn't :) Find your passion!)

AND this weekend I had the absolute honor to attend my studios YogaBarre Teacher Training. About a month and a half ago, I had tossed the idea around in my head to just go for it and sign up. Once I had received an email from my studio manager giving me that extra push, I just dove in head first. What an experience! I am so glad I just went for it. I absolutely LOVE barre and am so happy that I found a workout that I love to do, works well for me and my lifestyle, and does some serious changes to your body. Win-win!

About halfway through the training and last night when I had gotten home after a long day of information and learning, I thought what the hell am I doing? "I am completely out of my league." "Do I really think I am going to teach people?" "I am new at this." "What am I a personal trainer?" "I didn't go to school for athletic training, nor did I want to." "Or should I have?" Total negative thinking and such a waste of energy. Just like when I was driving up to the northwoods for the retreat. Fear can do a lot of harm. What if I would have turned around and not attended the retreat? I would have missed out on so much. Or what if I would have texted my barre instructor and said "You know this isn't for me, but thanks anyways." We have to push ourselves to that point and get a little uncomfortable to experience growth and change. And I'm pretty sure I've been uncomfortable since I agreed to go to treatment on April 30th, 2017. Constant fear, unfamiliar and new experiences and most of all growth from it all. I can honestly say I am proud of myself.

Today, when we were laying in our final savasana (resting pose) listening to the instructors final words and thoughts on the weekend, I had tears running down my face. I truly never, ever thought I would be at this point in my life. I never imagined attending a recovery retreat all by myself or becoming a group fitness instructor?! (I am literally laughing out loud at that). My unmotivated butt would just go home and sit on my chair and drink bottles of wine. I never had goals, plans, or accomplishments (besides being able to drink just about anyone under the table). So this is pretty cool for me and I am just going to relish in these moments I get to experience now. 

Happy Sunday & have a fab week! (It's October tomorrow?!)

Namaste






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