The Holidays as a Birth mom
Merry Christmas!
I hope everyone enjoyed their time with loved ones. This can be a difficult time of year for a lot of people. There are those who don't have family or have strained relationships, those who can't afford to give the best gifts to their children, those who may have recently lost a loved one who won't be around for the first time during the holidays, or you could be like myself and going through your first holiday season as a mother...but with no child. Christmas is hard for birth moms. A piece of you isn't around for the holidays, but rather with a different family. You see pictures of people holding her and you're thinking "who is that holding my child??" but then I am quickly reminded that I made that decision. The decision to give her a new family. It's hard. Hard because "I did it to myself", but I did it all out of love for her.
I've been talking to a few different people about my thoughts on the holidays now. I was a Christmas fanatic as a child. I will never forget Christmas at my Grandma Rhona's as a young girl. She would decorate her house so beautifully. I still don't think I've ever seen a tree as beautiful as what hers used to look like. Full of presents, people, love, food, laughter. When I think of Christmastime, immediately I picture those times. Then we all get older and the holidays aren't as large of a gathering as people start their own families and traditions.
Truthfully, Christmas hasn't felt like Christmas at all since my grandma passed away. To go from the larger than life Christmas to dreading this time of year is hard. It's stressful, chaotic, and there's so much pressure. Pressure to give and receive the most and best gifts, pressure to have the best Christmas tree and decorations, pressure to have the best winter holiday "look", pressure to give the best and most creative secret Santa gift, the pressure goes on. Granted, social media does a lot of this to us. It shoves all of this pressure into our faces.
I don't think Christmas will be like what it used to be again until I have a family of my own. I think this age is awkward. I'm wondering if I'm the only 20-something-year-old who feels this way?! We don't get as many gifts as we did as a child, and still don't have my own children to give plenty of gifts to. Still don't make enough money to buy loads of gifts for my family. Still don't have my own space to decorate and do my own Christmas traditions. Once you have your own family you can carry on those traditions you remember as a child. Decorate your house how you want to, bake and cook what you want, host your own holiday party, spoil your children with gifts from Santa, etc.
I am a lucky birth mom though. I did get to see Grace last weekend and celebrate with her. We got to start new traditions with her and her family. I am luckier than most birth moms out there. Granted, some chose to have no contact with their child, but there are others who have had contact that has gone away for many different reasons. I am lucky to have found the family that I chose for Grace. I trust them and we have a pretty open relationship with good communication. And Grace is really happy. I mean seeing every picture of her during the holidays with her big, cheesy smile starting her Christmas traditions with her family. I am so happy (and jealous) for her. That's all that I wanted for her. Happiness.
It's still not easy to lose a piece of you. My other half. The one I gave this life to.
It's lonely.
Now that I'm done being a grinch :) I AM ready for New Years Eve. 2018 has been one WILD ride. I have grown so much this past year, but I am more than ready for 2019 and to see what more blessings are headed my way.
xoxo
I hope everyone enjoyed their time with loved ones. This can be a difficult time of year for a lot of people. There are those who don't have family or have strained relationships, those who can't afford to give the best gifts to their children, those who may have recently lost a loved one who won't be around for the first time during the holidays, or you could be like myself and going through your first holiday season as a mother...but with no child. Christmas is hard for birth moms. A piece of you isn't around for the holidays, but rather with a different family. You see pictures of people holding her and you're thinking "who is that holding my child??" but then I am quickly reminded that I made that decision. The decision to give her a new family. It's hard. Hard because "I did it to myself", but I did it all out of love for her.
I've been talking to a few different people about my thoughts on the holidays now. I was a Christmas fanatic as a child. I will never forget Christmas at my Grandma Rhona's as a young girl. She would decorate her house so beautifully. I still don't think I've ever seen a tree as beautiful as what hers used to look like. Full of presents, people, love, food, laughter. When I think of Christmastime, immediately I picture those times. Then we all get older and the holidays aren't as large of a gathering as people start their own families and traditions.
Truthfully, Christmas hasn't felt like Christmas at all since my grandma passed away. To go from the larger than life Christmas to dreading this time of year is hard. It's stressful, chaotic, and there's so much pressure. Pressure to give and receive the most and best gifts, pressure to have the best Christmas tree and decorations, pressure to have the best winter holiday "look", pressure to give the best and most creative secret Santa gift, the pressure goes on. Granted, social media does a lot of this to us. It shoves all of this pressure into our faces.
I don't think Christmas will be like what it used to be again until I have a family of my own. I think this age is awkward. I'm wondering if I'm the only 20-something-year-old who feels this way?! We don't get as many gifts as we did as a child, and still don't have my own children to give plenty of gifts to. Still don't make enough money to buy loads of gifts for my family. Still don't have my own space to decorate and do my own Christmas traditions. Once you have your own family you can carry on those traditions you remember as a child. Decorate your house how you want to, bake and cook what you want, host your own holiday party, spoil your children with gifts from Santa, etc.
I am a lucky birth mom though. I did get to see Grace last weekend and celebrate with her. We got to start new traditions with her and her family. I am luckier than most birth moms out there. Granted, some chose to have no contact with their child, but there are others who have had contact that has gone away for many different reasons. I am lucky to have found the family that I chose for Grace. I trust them and we have a pretty open relationship with good communication. And Grace is really happy. I mean seeing every picture of her during the holidays with her big, cheesy smile starting her Christmas traditions with her family. I am so happy (and jealous) for her. That's all that I wanted for her. Happiness.
It's still not easy to lose a piece of you. My other half. The one I gave this life to.
It's lonely.
Now that I'm done being a grinch :) I AM ready for New Years Eve. 2018 has been one WILD ride. I have grown so much this past year, but I am more than ready for 2019 and to see what more blessings are headed my way.
xoxo
Comments
Post a Comment